Missed Connections

I've probably spent too much time in my life pondering over fleeting moments and connections with people and wondering how things could have been. The amount of time this wondering has taken up would make you think that I'm unhappy with my lot in life, which isn't so much the case. But it's on my mind again because I had one of these moments with a stranger last night. I'll get to that in a minute; first, some perspective.

When I was 18, I went to a Christian music festival with some friends who were, obviously, Christian. I was not, but they were my buddies and it was an excuse to take a road trip, camp, and gawk at some cute alterna-Christian boys. I spent the few days we were there eyeing a cute blonde boy named Matthew who worked the merch table for one of the bands (I think it was Relient K). I bought a t-shirt from him, but didn't get up the nerve to really talk to him until the last day. I can't recall what we even talked about now, but I remember talking for awhile and eventually giving him my phone number. We were in Illinois, but he conveniently lived in Ohio, just maybe an hour from where I live. I never really thought he would call, but one day while at my friend Kat's house, my mom called to let me know that a boy named Matthew had called for me (this was before cell phones, people). He didn't leave a number and he never called back again. This incident means nothing in the long run. NOTHING, yet I've thought about it numerous times over the years. Realistically, it wouldn't have worked out. He was super Christian, even attending a Christian college. I was completely not religious and had no interest in becoming so. But why, why did he call only to leave no contact information? I wonder about him and where he is now.

The next one hurts the most. Because it wasn't a fleeting moment, but a very real connection I had with someone that ended badly. When I was with my ex ex and miserable, I spent a lot of time on MySpace. While scrolling through friends of friends of friends, a picture of a really cute guy popped out so I checked out his page. His name was also Matthew (hmm) and I loved everything he had posted about himself. So I wrote him a message. That one message turned into MONTHS of us writing back and forth. I was completely enamored with him, and he felt the same, cautiously. He knew about the boyfriend I had, but he also knew how miserable I was there. We made plans to meet when he came home for the holidays (because even though he lived in Philadelphia, he was from Cleveland! And not just Cleveland, but from my neck of the woods of Cleveland! FATE! INCEPTION!) But then as Christmas drew near, things got weird. I was really struggling with my ex and it really started to bother him. He cancelled, and I was heartbroken. Then, in the strangest turn of events, I met him in person anyway, on a chance. I ended up at a Christmas party where friends of his were. How it even came up is anyones guess, but they convinced me to come with them to meet up with him. It was awkward, to say the very least. He was really shy to begin with, and he was thrust in to meeting this girl who he had tried very hard not to meet, and in retrospect, rightly so. I was a mess back then. I wouldn't have wanted to meet me either. The evening was spent with him avoiding me and me getting very drunk and rubbing my feet on his friends face (....a blog for another time). But Matthew, I think of you. Often, and fondly, as something that could have been in another time or place. (Okay I just facebook stalked him. He's there, in a gorgeous picture, with a girl, looking dapper. Heart breaks a little.)

The next instance isn't nearly so soul crushing, but curious. I worked in retail at a little locally owned store for a few years after college. My favorite job ever. I was with my most recent ex at the time, who I was madly in love with and never would have cheated on. BUT I'm a romantic and can't help but wonder about this person. I don't even remember his name. He came into the store and I helped him. He was delightful and funny and was already a teacher although he was younger than me. We were clearly getting along, because one of my co-workers urged me to follow him out of the store on the pretense of having a cigarette. We walked out and chatted for awhile. He got into his car and started pulling away. I lit a cigarette. And then. He TURNED his car around, pulled back up, got out, and asked me for a light. We sat there and talked and talked and talked. Then I had to go back in, and he left. Never asked for my name or number. Just left. Boys are dumb.

And then last night. Josh, wherever you are, why didn't you come back to look for me? You wandered in from the show next door and I chatted you up and it seemed to work! You print Bibles for a living with a bunch of Hell's Angels! You had me at Hell's Angels! I guess you just weren't interested but how? HOW! I'm funny and charming and cute and my dress was low cut and we had a good conversation! You, Josh, will be added to the list of men I wonder about. Men who could have steered my life in a different direction if I or you had let it.

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.